(OT and Long) MF: death and a return to "the moment" for me

[Cindy Flood]

Shelby,
Your Mother looks very beautiful and happy in the photo. I can see why you treasure it.
You have my sympathy.
Welcome back.

 

[Shelby Lewis]

Thanks all for the continued sentiments and condolences. I'm sure I'll miss someone, but know that all your comments are appreciated.

Bill... thanks. "Spiritual" is probably a good word to describe what I'm wanting to find in my photos again.

Steve... thanks for the kind words and positive thoughts. I love writing, even if it is a messy post in an online forum. I'm glad I could give at least some sense of what it's been like to go through some of the last 90 days.

Cindy... thanks. She was a beautiful woman and I do miss her terribly. Luckily, time is healing wounds and I count myself lucky that I've had no guilt as to her passing. She and I had a great relationship so I mostly left with good memories (and of course the sorrows of what could have been). All in all, I'm in a decent place these days, all things considered!

Dale, Peter, CMB... thanks as well.

I hope my OP didn't come across as extolling some "right" way to photograph... my intention was to show how I've come to a realization that there may be a "right" way for me, only at this point in my life, that I want to delve into... one that involves being more involved in the process, and being more involved with the subject such that my role is less passive within the confines of a photographer and his (portrait) client... less "fly on the wall" and more "partner".

I think I said earlier... I like to think of it as wine and hors d-oeuvres before the shoot, easy going conversation and illumination during, coffee afterwards... hopefully compelling photographs in the end.

(this all in the confines of a single photographer and his subject... probably a headshot client or a landscape)

 

[Terry]

Shelby,
I'm glad you've come back to the forum. I recently thought of you wondering what you were up to. Sorry to hear about your loss. On the flip side, I think it is great that you are able to head back to school and work and pursue the activities you love. My best wishes to you and your family and I look forward to watching for you daily landscape postings.

terry

 

[etrigan63]

Shelby,
Welcome back and sincerest condolences on your loss. My father is currently suffering pre-frontal dementia which will ultimately be fatal as it causes his health to slowly deteriorate. My siblings and I are trying to prepare for it, but one can never truly be prepared enough and not lose one's humanity.

Regarding your desire, I can truly relate to you as I had realized that a couple of years ago when I first got a DRF. It slowed the pace of my photography down allowing me, as a photographer, to become more involved in the crafting of a shot. Like Jono, I too am always armed with a camera at my side. Medium format digital is a goal for me now as well.

The ability to truly "capture a moment" is a nebulous combination of devotion, skill, lots of luck and most of all the instinct to recognize it. I can happen to anyone, but realizing it and consciously striving to do it is what transforms a photographer into another HCB.

I'll stop now, but know that you are among friends.

 

[Bill_Green]

Shelby, I'm so sorry for your loss. My sister-in-law and my cousin both struggle with depression and I worry about them often. Sometimes no amount of kind words or medication can lift their spirits. Like your mom, their eyes tell a story different from their forced smiles.

I'd love to hear how some of you have come to value a slower means of working (maybe as it applies to MF?)... and if you, too, have experienced things in your life that have called your artistic direction into question, and eventually brought you "back to where you always wanted to be".

At this point I have to apologize in advance for rambling. I have thoughts on the subject, that really only pertain to me, but they are far from concrete.

Photos stir the soul and great photos stir the soul deeply by conjuring feelings, thoughts, emotions, memories. They are nothing on their own.

I think writing off a camera as 'just a tool' is either naive or perhaps wishful thinking. What it took for me to really grasp this was listening to an interview with Ira Glass from NPR about story telling. Asked about the biggest mistake that new reporters/interviewers/storytellers make, Glass responded that they often try to pretend that they are not part of the story. The interviewer is the conduit of the story and their experiences, beliefs, prejudices and curiosities shape and color the story.

Photographers make the photograph, but the camera is the conduit that shapes it. Imagine photographing a football game with a 1-series Canon and 600/4 versus an 8x20 view camera. Same photographer, totally different resulting images. Each type of camera at some level dictates a flow or process. This was a hard lesson when I bought a Fuji 6x9 thinking it was somewhere between MF and LF image quality in a 35 mm package. Because it handled like a big 35 mm camera, my photos didn't look much different from what I would shoot with a SLR, where my photos with a Hasselblad, Mamiya RB or a 4x5 with a roll film back (same 6x9 as the Fuji) were very different. I shot a number of rolls of film with the Fuji before I sold it, but I can only think of three shots that were anything more than big 35 mm shots.

I don't feel that my people pictures (not head shots, mind you) shot with your old Sony lack intimacy or connection (though I would prefer almost anything with a waist level finder), but I feel that my landscape shots do. One of the main reasons I always want to add a 4x5 system for landscape work is the hunt for the same 'partner in the process' that you are looking for with portraits. It's not about image quality, it's the qualities of the image that count. I strive to take photos that make you feel like you are there, like you can just step into them, or if it is a person or animal that you can see their soul. A great picture makes you feel, not just see.

I was introduced to medium and large format photography in an advertising agency and a photographer who was willing to let me tag along. Anytime you are woking in a studio on a shot with multiple packs and multiple pops on some of the lights, shooting 4x5, you have to be considered and methodical. This was a stark contrast to the type of photography I have always done which might best be described as landscape photojournalism -- a small Nikon FM with a couple small lenses and running shoes. I always approached sports photography just like studio photography, but perhaps it is because there is a lot of time waiting, thinking, planning between the action.

What it took for me to slow down was a few things. First, I realized that I needed two discrete systems -- one fast and one slow. I bought the Leica DMR trying to find a single do-it-all system. It had medium format quality (overall image quality, not necessarily God's gift to pixel peeping) in a smaller size. What it really turned out to be was the wrong tool for the job most of the time. Most of the time I need light and fast. However, when I have time to make a photograph what I really want is a big piece of glass to stare at. Sure I would set the Fuji up on a tripod and expose a big piece of film, but I was composing on a tiny rangefinder. When I put a DSLR on a tripod I scan the ground glass to make sure the composition is balanced and press the button, then take a quick glance at the screen and histogram. Even when I am being slow the process is pretty fast.

For me, composing an image on ground glass with both eyes open is a different mental process that results in a discussion between me and the landscape where I ask what story it wants to tell today and let it guide and shape the image. A far cry from scanning the viewfinder and pushing a button.

 

[Anders_HK]

(Mods... feel free to move this to another forum if needed. I felt it would resonate here, maybe.)

I'd love to hear how some of you have come to value a slower means of working (maybe as it applies to MF?)... and if you, too, have experienced things in your life that have called your artistic direction into question, and eventually brought you "back to where you always wanted to be".

Hi Shelby,

Actually personal traumatic experiences were at rim of lead me into to photography, plus living overseas and spending $ on travels. My thought was with cost of travels, thus why not get a serious camera to capture it with? Of course, one need learn a tad of photography also. Art is a pleasure (most my work is as an engineer). In 2003 I went around the world with my camera. That was my grand voyage into serious with photography, and... in learning to see, experiencing and seeing the world with my camera. My focus was: Landscape photography and people living traditional lives. This remain the essence of my passion in photography. Being out at a grand scene relieves my senses. Not only that, it has made me climb mountains, camp in Africa, walk on glacier, across desert, rain forest, camping with barely no English speaking on a mountain in China, visiting poor people in a village in remote India, the head munk at a temple in Angor Wat for a conversation etc. All these have touched my life. Perhaps I am lucky, I could have died in an accident in 1998, and seeing life with a camera is really wonderful! And indeed, while landscapes stay put in rapid changing light, people require contact for good result. And all this has touched and put added value to my life; experiences, seeing life itself --- in people and nature.

Traumatic experiences are difficult, yet no matter how we feel and how they cling, we must go on, life goes on and must go on. Photography is a wonderful means to put our feeling to it.

Slow? My camera when going around world was Nikon F100 35mm slides. Those DSLRs and point and shoot are difficult to me because technology runs them. With my Leaf on AFD3 is slower, albeit tad heavy to carry around. I like simple and tad slow. I still shoot film also; 617 and 4x5, and a little 6x7 in Mamiya 7. Slow is good. It makes you plan and think. The result is better images! Is it not simple and same as has always been? All it takes is one shot.

One of my very favorite subject is now my wife. We married last November. And... in landscape... seeing the world and when traveling distant spectacular and exotic places... has yielded me to see a new favorite place for my photography: home where I grew up, very local nature in Sweden where I grew up and know the area!

Best of luck, and the camera is a wonderful tool. Yet... far more than technology; with it we can experience and See, and with it also with a feeling for our subjects, albeit our interpretation of them.

Regards
Anders

 

[Shelby Lewis]

Shelby,
I'm glad you've come back to the forum. I recently thought of you wondering what you were up to. Sorry to hear about your loss. On the flip side, I think it is great that you are able to head back to school and work and pursue the activities you love. My best wishes to you and your family and I look forward to watching for you daily landscape postings.

terry

Thanks Terry... I feel so loved here, lol!!! Let me take a moment to say something OT, I've been lurking for a week or so and have really enjoyed your work lately... especially the MF stuff.

My "daily" landscapes may not be so "daily, moving forward, but I am gonna keep after it.

Peace,
Shelby

 

[Shelby Lewis]

Shelby,
Welcome back and sincerest condolences on your loss. My father is currently suffering pre-frontal dementia which will ultimately be fatal as it causes his health to slowly deteriorate. My siblings and I are trying to prepare for it, but one can never truly be prepared enough and not lose one's humanity.

... I'll stop now, but know that you are among friends.

Let me offer my thoughts your way, then... I'm watching my mother-in-law go through the final stages of dealing with her mother's worsening Alzheimer's disease, and I actually count myself lucky (in a twisted way) in that I won't have to deal with watching my Mom (possibly) slowly lose identity and function, and ultimately their life. I'm not sure which way is worse. You have my thoughts and well wishes, Carlos.

Yeah... "the moment" is such a nebulous concept. I probably shouldn't have used it, lol ... but I think what ultimately counts, for me, is being in touch with what makes me the effective, artistically, moving forward.

My best, Carlos.
Shelby

 

[Shelby Lewis]

I think writing off a camera as 'just a tool' is either naive or perhaps wishful thinking. What it took for me to really grasp this was listening to an interview with Ira Glass from NPR about story telling. Asked about the biggest mistake that new reporters/interviewers/storytellers make, Glass responded that they often try to pretend that they are not part of the story. The interviewer is the conduit of the story and their experiences, beliefs, prejudices and curiosities shape and color the story.

Ah... exactly the sentiment I was meaning to express in my earlier post. I wasn't so much talking about what, when, or where I was going to take my photos... but how I was going to envision my part in the process... and then act upon that vision.

It's not about image quality, it's the qualities of the image that count. I strive to take photos that make you feel like you are there, like you can just step into them, or if it is a person or animal that you can see their soul. A great picture makes you feel, not just see.

This is also something I see missing in my work lately... and I know I'm being picky here. Everything has, for me, felt disconnected and unprepared up to this point. I'm not a landscape photographer, so I have much work to go in that arena... but even with pretty substantial experience shooting people and events I've rarely that my photographs have that special something extra that draws you into the photo... that "seeing behind the eyes" quality.

...I ask what story it wants to tell today and let it guide and shape the image. A far cry from scanning the viewfinder and pushing a button.

Exactly.

Thanks Bill... much appreciated.
Shelby

 

[etrigan63]

Here is a shot I want to share with you. My 12-yr old daughter took this shot for photography class (I'm her teacher) and i feel that it has captured "a moment". There's nothing awe-inspiring about the shot, it's just a little girl pulling on her socks, but I feel it captured "the moment" in an HCB sort of way.

 

[Shelby Lewis]

Traumatic experiences are difficult, yet no matter how we feel and how they cling, we must go on, life goes on and must go on. Photography is a wonderful means to put our feeling to it....

....It makes you plan and think. The result is better images! Is it not simple and same as has always been? All it takes is one shot.

One of my very favorite subject is now my wife. We married last November. And... in landscape... seeing the world and when traveling distant spectacular and exotic places... has yielded me to see a new favorite place for my photography: home where I grew up, very local nature in Sweden where I grew up and know the area!
Regards
Anders

Neat thoughts and stories, Anders. You and I have similar thoughts on many things, with exception to the fact that I've never had the $$$ to travel the world

I do find, as I move forward, a great fascination with things local and maybe mundane. There's so much compelling stuff we miss, visually, in our everyday lives.

Thanks for the anecdotes and well-wishes.
Shelby

 

[Jack]

I mentioned earlier that I'd come back to this:

I'd love to hear how some of you have come to value a slower means of working (maybe as it applies to MF?)... and if you, too, have experienced things in your life that have called your artistic direction into question, and eventually brought you "back to where you always wanted to be".

I'm not going to go into the depth I originally planned, so here is a simple summary:

Generally speaking, my love for photography was born from the therapeutic nature of the entire process. Through it, I can temporarily escape from my everyday real-world problems, and attempt to express myself -- or more accurately, express my more ideal version of the world -- through images.

And for me, working slow is definitely a significant component for the therapeutic aspects, and possibly why I migrated to landscape. But IMO MF gear is not mandatory to achieve it; placing a DSLR on a tripod and eliminating zooms from your bag will probably suffice. Finally, the full benefit is manifested for me when one of my images brings some joy to another's life.

Cheers,

 

[David K]

Generally speaking, my love for photography was born from the therapeutic nature of the entire process. Through it, I can temporarily escape from my everyday real-world problems, and attempt to express myself -- or more accurately, express my more ideal version of the world -- through images.
Cheers,

Jack, I think this is true for many of us... I know it is for me.

Shelby,

Welcome back and I'm so very sorry for the pain you're going through. It's good that you have friends here to share your thoughts with.

 

[Guy Mancuso]

Some of these questions for me are hard to answer and the reason why is I really have been a working Pro since 18 years old and now 53 with only 1 real break or different job I did for a couple months. So for me it really is my life and style of life and don't or can't reference anything else. Sure I did a 16 year corporate gig in the middle of it all but I was the chief photographer for a Fortune 100 company at the time but I still was a photographer and worked my butt off shooting and traveling the globe. Obviously so many here have a different background or working career that photography is there passion which i find very very refreshing and maybe why i enjoy teaching it so much is you folks are like sponges that soak this all up in heaping spoonfuls. From me that is such a joy to see but from me it is my life and it is a daily growing event and i learn as well from all of you. I guess to maybe summarize what I feel for folks like Shelby is don't ever lose the passion. You just don't know how rewarding that is to oneself and to your personal being. From someone that does this by the minute it is so very refreshing to see and i get my joy from watching all of you folks. Honestly in all truth as co owner of this forum maybe one of the smartest moves I made was help create this place. This is my joy right here because i get to share my lifelong career.

 

[sinwen]

Some of these questions for me are hard to answer and the reason why is I really have been a working Pro since 18 years old and now 53 with only 1 real break or different job I did for a couple months. So for me it really is my life and style of life and don't or can't reference anything else. Sure I did a 16 year corporate gig in the middle of it all but I was the chief photographer for a Fortune 100 company at the time but I still was a photographer and worked my butt off shooting and traveling the globe. Obviously so many here have a different background or working career that photography is there passion which i find very very refreshing and maybe why i enjoy teaching it so much is you folks are like sponges that soak this all up in heaping spoonfuls. From me that is such a joy to see but from me it is my life and it is a daily growing event and i learn as well from all of you. I guess to maybe summarize what I feel for folks like Shelby is don't ever lose the passion. You just don't know how rewarding that is to oneself and to your personal being. From someone that does this by the minute it is so very refreshing to see and i get my joy from watching all of you folks. Honestly in all truth as co owner of this forum maybe one of the smartest moves I made was help create this place. This is my joy right here because i get to share my lifelong career.

Guy,

Besides summer jobs to pay for my bicycle then my first Rollei 6x6 & Nikon F, I started with a friend as a wedding photographer. We knew each other since our first day of school. He was the one who got the job under his name. After a couple of months, he didn't give me a penny, so I had to stop simply because I needed incomes.
But the experience was positive in the sens that these few months made me realized that photography as being my profession would kill my passion.
So I went doing something else and could travel the world while I was young.... with a camera for my pleasure.
As of today, this friend is still what I call "a grocery photographer" behind his counter all day waiting for clients then running after weddings the week-end.
How greatful I am he didn't pay me
All my life (I am 59) I could dream "photography" and still with all of you here, watching and reading about cameras I will never be able to afford.

Michel

 

[Guy Mancuso]

Well like anything else sometimes it is just a job no question for many many shooters. I have been lucky in that regard not stuck to one aspect of it and one reason i never tried to specialize. I like the diversity and again I went through many phases of burn out like anyone else. It is a job but for me it still gives me immense pleasure. The trick is keeping the passion alive . This forums helps me do that to be really honest otherwise i am alone just doing my thing . Here i get to spend time with people i enjoy and share. I know we have a lot of folks that just read here and never post. i think it is great but i also think they need to jump in even if they think they have nothing to add they do and just being part of the family here is good for the heart. I'm not saying that because I own the place but it is good to share this passion we all enjoy. More important to me is i made a ton of friends and Jacks friendship which is extremely dear to me came from forums. i know for many here this a passion away from work and can separate the two. I think that is just awesome. Some days obviously i wish i could. LOL

 

[sinwen]

Well some people make a living from their passion so they never feel at work, how lucky they are, it seems you are one of them Guy.
That's a real pleasure to hear.

 

[fotografz]

Hi Shelby. Truly sorry to hear of your loss, as I can relate.

I lost my Father at the end of last summer after a long and horrible illness. My father was a Detroit Firefighter, and to pick up a shadow of man in my arms who once carried people out of burning buildings, so we could change his paddings, is both a humbling and revealing experience.

Throughout an ever changing life, the thread of creative continuity binds the years together. Your experience has led you to a new chapter to explore, as has mine. Go with it, and try not to over think it ... just absorb it as a renewal. It is a very human reaction to renew when something else you loved comes to an end.

Be well,

-Marc

 

[Bill Caulfeild-Browne]

What a wonderful thread.
Bill

 

[Shelby Lewis]

...my love for photography was born from the therapeutic nature of the entire process. Through it, I can temporarily escape from my everyday real-world problems, and attempt to express myself -- or more accurately, express my more ideal version of the world -- through images....

...Finally, the full benefit is manifested for me when one of my images brings some joy to another's life.

Cheers,

Thanks Jack... this is such a nice thought. I just posted some wedding images on my blog. Pretty mundane stuff actually. But the couple called last minute, when they had planned only to have a ceremony on vacation and the parents said otherwise... and we got together and shot their e-session, ceremony, and a short post-ceremony session in the same day. They loved the images.

It is easy, from a therapeutic standpoint, to think only of yourself.

Seeing someone else receive joy from your images, surely, is a step further.

Thanks for the thoughts,
Shelby