dave.gt
Well-known member
Traumatic experiences and prolonged grief simultaneously… a combination like this is difficult to comprehend. This not something I would wish on another human being. Ever.
On August 23, 2023, our journey to the ER and the ICU began, and lasted 8 violent days, most of which I have no memory but what I do carry with me everyday haunts me continuously and my journey toward healing to at least some degree is hard and steep, if not improbable.
I will only know that I am truly making progress when I can once again create a photograph, either film or digital, but it seems I am no closer today, nearly 12 months in. The Leica S 006 has been the tool of a craft that has helped the two of us more than I could have imagined, and my bride’s daily joy was seeing florals from her rose garden every evening when I was finished with the images. Her delight and joy was seeing her roses each evening, and now I cannot make even a single image.
Sadly, the garden is languishing this year because I did not have the ability, emotionally, to work with the beauty of nature or the beauty of healing that I witnessed every day for the last 15 years as my bride overcame every setback and flourished beyond my wildest dreams… until August 31st when she did not come home with me. The worst day of my life. And every day since has been a continuum of the worst day of my life.
The Leica S 006 has been used for a few frames this past Spring, in hope of re-kindling my passion for photography. But processing them has not happened. I still do not know when I will be able to physically process even a single image. My emotions are still too raw for me to go there.
But, once I do, if I do, I will know that I will be okay, relatively speaking of course.
I have been working through many sophisticated therapies, including music therapy, voice therapy, journaling, daily distance walking, diet changes, and even a return to motorcycle touring as recommended by my psychologist.
But photography in any form is apparently the most deeply ingrained passion deep inside of me. I had no idea that being a 24/7/365 caregiver for 15 years would end in such a traumatic end… and I never allowed myself to think about it as we were too busy surviving day to day.
We were blessed with so many experiences with people in the medical community especially patients who inspired us by their overcoming seemingly impossible trauma, and flourishing in ways that seemed impossible. That was why we sold everything in 2017 to purchase MF equipment and worked with Steve Hendrix at CI to produce photo essays and books for selected patients at the Emory Rehabilitation Hospital for two years. Thanks to my good friends here in this forum, and in the photographic community overall, we were able to complete the pro bono work successfully, and the experience was profound, inspiring both of us to move forward in our own journey toward healing.
So now I’m back (sort of).
After a year of pure hell, indescribable anguish, and tremendous efforts to survive hour by hour utterly alone, I am now facing revisiting those awful days and nights in the ICU and every moment since, on the 12 month anniversary of the worst day of my life.
But now I am not the same person. Everything has changed, everything. I am, however, determined to restart my work in honoring people who have survived medical traumas and telling their stories. This time, though, there will be only one story, the story of us, my bride and yours truly.
The Leica S 006, and the Leica M2 are ready. I hope I will be soon.
After nearly 10,000 miles on a motorcycle and 500 miles of walking, I am in better physical condition than I have been in decades, and my doctors have given me the reassurance that I can do whatever is necessary on my road to healing. The journey has begun.
How it ends in the future remains to be seen and the book remains to be written. But first, the journey must be lived.
I want to thank this photographic community, this forum, and all the wonderful people I have known and cherished for your inspiration and assistance when I needed it the most. I continue to learn from you and I am forever grateful.
Stay tuned!
On August 23, 2023, our journey to the ER and the ICU began, and lasted 8 violent days, most of which I have no memory but what I do carry with me everyday haunts me continuously and my journey toward healing to at least some degree is hard and steep, if not improbable.
I will only know that I am truly making progress when I can once again create a photograph, either film or digital, but it seems I am no closer today, nearly 12 months in. The Leica S 006 has been the tool of a craft that has helped the two of us more than I could have imagined, and my bride’s daily joy was seeing florals from her rose garden every evening when I was finished with the images. Her delight and joy was seeing her roses each evening, and now I cannot make even a single image.
Sadly, the garden is languishing this year because I did not have the ability, emotionally, to work with the beauty of nature or the beauty of healing that I witnessed every day for the last 15 years as my bride overcame every setback and flourished beyond my wildest dreams… until August 31st when she did not come home with me. The worst day of my life. And every day since has been a continuum of the worst day of my life.
The Leica S 006 has been used for a few frames this past Spring, in hope of re-kindling my passion for photography. But processing them has not happened. I still do not know when I will be able to physically process even a single image. My emotions are still too raw for me to go there.
But, once I do, if I do, I will know that I will be okay, relatively speaking of course.
I have been working through many sophisticated therapies, including music therapy, voice therapy, journaling, daily distance walking, diet changes, and even a return to motorcycle touring as recommended by my psychologist.
But photography in any form is apparently the most deeply ingrained passion deep inside of me. I had no idea that being a 24/7/365 caregiver for 15 years would end in such a traumatic end… and I never allowed myself to think about it as we were too busy surviving day to day.
We were blessed with so many experiences with people in the medical community especially patients who inspired us by their overcoming seemingly impossible trauma, and flourishing in ways that seemed impossible. That was why we sold everything in 2017 to purchase MF equipment and worked with Steve Hendrix at CI to produce photo essays and books for selected patients at the Emory Rehabilitation Hospital for two years. Thanks to my good friends here in this forum, and in the photographic community overall, we were able to complete the pro bono work successfully, and the experience was profound, inspiring both of us to move forward in our own journey toward healing.
So now I’m back (sort of).
After a year of pure hell, indescribable anguish, and tremendous efforts to survive hour by hour utterly alone, I am now facing revisiting those awful days and nights in the ICU and every moment since, on the 12 month anniversary of the worst day of my life.
But now I am not the same person. Everything has changed, everything. I am, however, determined to restart my work in honoring people who have survived medical traumas and telling their stories. This time, though, there will be only one story, the story of us, my bride and yours truly.
The Leica S 006, and the Leica M2 are ready. I hope I will be soon.
After nearly 10,000 miles on a motorcycle and 500 miles of walking, I am in better physical condition than I have been in decades, and my doctors have given me the reassurance that I can do whatever is necessary on my road to healing. The journey has begun.
How it ends in the future remains to be seen and the book remains to be written. But first, the journey must be lived.
I want to thank this photographic community, this forum, and all the wonderful people I have known and cherished for your inspiration and assistance when I needed it the most. I continue to learn from you and I am forever grateful.
Stay tuned!
, it seems to me that a true measure of healing will be when I am actually processing images again in spite of the emotional avoidance that has held me back.