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(OT and Long) MF: death and a return to "the moment" for me

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Shelby Lewis

Guest
(Mods... feel free to move this to another forum if needed. I felt it would resonate here, maybe.)

I just thought I'd take a moment to catch up with everyone here, as I kind of dropped off the face of this forum (the world?) for a few months. This post isn't going to be so much about medium format, as it is about priorities (artistic and otherwise)... and my return to the things I love.

I though it might make for an interesting read in the face of all the brick walls and crooked sensors. :D

This will be bit personal, but I hope it illuminates a few things about my points. On December 7th, 2009 I lost mom mom to suicide. She was a long time sufferer of bipolar disorder and finally succumbed to an internal pain that we all had no idea was so terrible. She and I were very close, so needless to say it was a devastating event in my life

That's not really what this post is about though... it's about a chain of psychological changes spawned by such a shocking event.

So, I've been struggling with a lot of things (artistically) for a long time. I was a professional trumpeter for more than a decade and had been longing for a few years to finish up some unfinished doctoral work and re-enter the world of music, both with the camera and the trumpet... but me and my kids were intertwined with mom's life and felt compelled to stay nearby knowing she was prone to deep depression. I also had become reticent about my current path in wedding, portrait, and fashion photography... hence the "Daily Landscape" practice I had started back in November (which ceased when mom died). It was an attempt to slow down and begin to "see" again. I still longed for contact with people in my photography as well as an expanded amount of landscape work...

The loss of a loved one, in a way, was freeing in that it allowed me to sit back and really think about why I valued the things I valued... and for me "the moment" is more about taking time to get everything ready for the shot. It's about the setup before the shot that gives me the opportunity to catch the moment. It means attempting to set myself up for a single perfect capture (yeah, right)... all things that I find missing in much modern portrait and wedding photography. The "setup" could be on a wedding day (finding the perfect light, angle, or moment) or could be setting up lights, reflectors, and conversation leading to a wonderful musician headshot.

I also would be remiss if I didn't mention something deeply personal. In the wake of Mom's death I went through a particularly disturbing event. In getting a slideshow together for her funeral I noticed a pain in her expression that I never noticed in real life. Over the course of some 50-odd years of photographs (she was 59 at her death), virtually all of them had a deep sense of pain behind the eyes. It's odd how someone can love us enough that their love can blind us to their internal pain... and only in retrospect do we see the pain.

This has made me really push to strive for getting past the "look into the lens and smile" syndrome... which leads only to a subject/camera connection (as opposed to a subject/taker connectionwith the camera only being used to "freeze time")... and to get past the "you guys just talk and I'll spray off some shots in order to capture the moment". I can see where, for me, a return to slower and more intimate means of capture might just help me to connect with my clients in way to see behind the eyes. For me, MF is one means to this, although 35mm could be used just as capably (as this is a means of working, not a camera choice).

I'm not sure where I want to go with this, other than to say "hey guys, I'm back" and to let you all know that the insights I find in this forum are important to me. I'm in the midst of picking up an RZ system (always was my favorite) and am going to be selling off most of my 35mm stuff when I've completed my current 35mm-intensive obligations (weddings!) and picking up a p25+ in order support a deep love of shooting faces... maybe a tech cam later... but in the meantime, a simple kit for slowly and methodically shooting lovely headshots (one of my true loves in photography).

I'd love to hear how some of you have come to value a slower means of working (maybe as it applies to MF?)... and if you, too, have experienced things in your life that have called your artistic direction into question, and eventually brought you "back to where you always wanted to be".

Oh... and I'll be at LSU this fall finishing up a doctorate in Trumpet Performance where they are going to let me minor in photography (funny, huh) in support of my inclination for a mixture of my love for visual and aural arts.

And all due to the introspection afforded by the loss of a loved one.

Me and Mom... in 1979. One of the few photos in which she looks genuinely happy... a crappy scan of an old blurry polaroid. I love it:
 

Steve Hendrix

Well-known member
Shelby

You're going to get a lot of love here. I hope you can handle that.

So sorry about your Mom.

We go through life sometimes and then something happens that jerks us to what is real.

I wish you the best going forward my friend.


Steve Hendrix
 

Jack

Sr. Administrator
Staff member
Welcome back Shelby!

Sorry to hear of your loss, that is tough for sure.

I'll address this when I have some more time to put into my response:

I'd love to hear how some of you have come to value a slower means of working (maybe as it applies to MF?)... and if you, too, have experienced things in your life that have called your artistic direction into question, and eventually brought you "back to where you always wanted to be".
 
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Shelby Lewis

Guest
Thanks Steve and Jack... really appreciate the sentiments. I've missed the discourse and friendly gab over here. Look forward to it again.

This is pretty much the only forum (and used to the Sony forum when I shot that system) I'll take part in these days... precisely because the sense of camaraderie, even in heated moments, is so clear. Good bunch of folks.
 

ptomsu

Workshop Member
Welcome back Shelby!

Sorry for your loss - but I have the feeling you are stepping into an important new part of your life, not only with your photography!

All the best!
 

Dale Allyn

New member
Welcome back, Shelby. I'm sorry for your immense loss. You're among friends here, and I'm glad to see you return.

Best wishes to you as you pursue new (and old) passions.
 

jonoslack

Active member
Hi Shelby
I'm really sorry about your mother - being bipolar is a terrible fate, something both my uncles probably suffered from (but died before diagnosis was quite so precise).

But interestingly the loss of my father 2 years ago (after 88 fulfilled, useful and happy years) brought me to some photographic conclusions - but really rather different from yours.

He was a fine photographer - he took a lot of images of the artist community in StIves in the 50's, 60's and 70's (From Barbara Hepworth to Patrick Heron to Terry Frost). By the time he died, he had made sure that all his 'important' work was properly archived, and went to the Tate, and other institutions. Most of the rest of his work is huge, and nobody will have the time to scan it or catalog it or whatever.

Still, the point of this was that looking through his work I found that the decisive moments were not the ones imbued with thought and concentration, but those with serendipity, the pictures which exist because he had his OM2 ready to grab them, and the intelligence and reflexes to grab them.

My current ambition is twofold:
1. to reduce my 50,000 library of photographs to something more like 500.
2. to carry a little camera at all times, and to respond to reflex instincts rather than intelligent design.

I have a kind of mantra:
If a picture is interesting then nobody cares whether it is technically good
If a picture is not interesting then nobody cares at all.

Of course, I'm not using this as an excuse not to strive for technical excellence . . . just that it should be a secondary pursuit after that of capturing the moment.

Looking through the iconic photographs of the last century really bears this theory out - pictures are badly exposed, out of focus . . . whatever, the point is the moment, and the photographer's understanding of that moment, not the fact that they are technically excellent.

Unfortunately making a picture 'interesting' is a great deal more difficult than making it 'technically good'

Anyway Shelby - it's great to have you back.

all the best
 

Guy Mancuso

Administrator, Instructor
Nice to see you Shelby and so sorry about your loss. Your among friends here that is something that you can count on. I know myself going through a difficult time with family health here in this residence and i look forward to this place with the great folks that come here. Be well my friend
 

Paratom

Well-known member
Hi Shelby,
I feel sorry for your Mother.
I am just in the situation to loose my grandfather and with all sadness I ask myself why do sad things have to happen to make us think and focus about the "real" important things in life.

Regarding your question,
I am torn between two ideas and approaches:
1) on one side I am trying to get awy from constructed and composed images and to shoot more intuitive what I feel and see. This means I need a camera which allows me to take the image fast without thinking much about the camera but focusing on the situation.

2) the other thing is to really take time, to not shoot 100 or 1000 images a day and afterwards select the best ones, but to only take 10 and to prepare those 10 in a way that they come out all good.

Actually I do both. And I enjoy both.
The second slower way of taking images has one additional thing for me: Besides the final result image the process of taking the image is nearly meditation for me. It slows me down in a elswhere fast and stressfull world.

I think it is interesting to browse threw the image threads in the MF-forum vs the small sensor forum vs 4/3 vs Nikon/Canon.
IMO looking at those images and the different scenes and subjects tells a lot of the (different) ways of taking images.
 
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Shelby Lewis

Guest
Neat replies everyone... and I continue to appreciate the graciousness and kindness. Much love, all.

Hey Jono... I do agree with you completely, on one level. Let me throw a bit of a twist into this.

Losing mom, for me, has meant to learn to appreciate the temporal so, so much more. I now think it's what truly makes us human... realizing that all we have is what we are doing in this moment. Realizing that what were are doing now will be gone in the next moment... and so on. Learning to love that temporary-ness goes beyond trying to hold onto memories in photographs.

Going through this sudden and unexpected loss has turned my faith in capturing "memories" on it's head. The things I find myself appreciating (as much) aren't the captured moments, but instead the intangible memories no camera can hope to capture. I look through those 5 decades of photos of mom and surely do get something good from it. Sure, the photos can bare out what was happening at a specific time and surely can help jog my memory of specific visible traits associated with mom (and in turn, bringing back some intangibles as well). There are indeed some intense feelings wrapped up in those photos, but not nearly as intense as my personal memories with her (and my other loved ones)

But... in the end... it's not enough for me as a photographer to just be ready. I see so many people wanting me to capture moments in a compelling and thoughtful way... and I'll continue to try. But I believe that being more personally involved in the moment of the capture is now just as important to me. I think that's been missing for me. And that's just me. :)

Make no mistake, this isn't about technical excellence. In a way, you are doing the same thing I'm extolling by always carrying a camera. You are "setting up" the chance to capture a moment as it happens. I'm just interested in doing it a different way.

I've not been clear... in that, for me, it's wanting to create a much stronger connection between ME and the subject (which is not obviously photojournalist). Maybe hope for more serendipity myself, but being so involved. It's about ME being more involved in the moment, as I want the moments I'm involved in to be more meaningful. Kinda like those moments I remember between me and mom. For me, slowing down again and doing what my artistic heart calls me to do means probably spending a lot of time in the near future shooting MF. It means using a cable release and looking my subjects in the eye as I shoot.

It means a glass of wine before the shoot, followed by a bit of coffee afterwards. :D

Not sure that's any clearer, but it's what I feel compelled to explore these days. :):)
 
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Shelby Lewis

Guest
I have a kind of mantra:
If a picture is interesting then nobody cares whether it is technically good
If a picture is not interesting then nobody cares at all.
This is an interesting mantra, Jono. I'm not surprised by it coming from you and your fine image-seeing ability.

What I will put forward is this... at this time in my life it's not always about the image content itself. ;) I'm hoping that a more deliberate and WAY more involved image taking process will bare out photos that are interesting and have a sense of serendipity... but via my involvement. I won't be capturing a serendipitous moment that I'm not a part of... I'll be capturing a serendipitous moment that I'm a part of (even as the image taker).

Avedon's portraits had an interesting-ness that were all part of a constructed reality... but his interaction and inventiveness overcame what some describe as contrived.

Who knows where it'll go.

Maybe a year from now I'll be shooting a holga :D
 

sinwen

Member
Hi Shelby,

Just let my thoughts scroll down after reading your post :

I lost my father in an accident at the age of 20. While I was watching him liveless on his bed I kept asking myself what could be that difference between life and death. He was looking the same there was just a very tiny and fragile link missing and that made the big difference. Our life is just a hair, that thin and breakable.
I was already a contemplative, then it gets worse.... to my benefit. I know how to appreciate time and I am able to do nothing all day long beside grasping my surrounding, smell, cool or heat, light, color, wind, sounds.... all these are more than enough to fulfill my day.... and if someone scratch my back, what a wonderful day !

So no surprise I am unable to snap a roll of even 24 pictures within a day, and with my small P&S it is the same. I am so used to see what's around me, I need a lot to dare keeping it on to a pict... well I could fire for the tactile pleasure to trigger the buttons like a kid. I have many long periods of time without taking any picture now, I mean I won't feel frustrated of "missing" a snap.
But age come to play as well, once you enter a bunch of decades things lose their power they had before.
When I see a beautiful light for example, before I would have turn and twist to try to fix it on film and get may be unsatisfied if I didn't success, now I whatch first so I am not missing it.

I would say don't crack your head too much with planification of what to do or choose, if you look at your camera and have no idea of what doing with it at the moment, may be a beer, a book or a bicycle ride will do !

A photo could be good or bad, this is secondary, the main point is "did I enjoy making it"? Pulling the trigger in itself can be a thrill, so the camera has a certain importance to me, I like this physical relationship. I believe all of us here are a bit like that, we speak so much about cameras:D

Keep coming here, we appreciate.

Michel
 
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Shelby Lewis

Guest
I would say don't crack your head too much with planification of what to do or choose, if you look at your camera and have no idea of what doing with it at the moment, may be a beer, a book or a bicycle ride will do !

A photo could be good or bad, this is secondary, the main point is "did I enjoy making it"?
Michel... this really is a better way of saying what was at the heart of my post... being in the moment! Savoring everything that is going on around. I made the distinction (not nearly as nicely as you did!) of putting it in the context of being during a shoot.

You made a better one... in the context of life! :):)

Thanks!!!
 

jonoslack

Active member
This is an interesting mantra, Jono. I'm not surprised by it coming from you and your fine image-seeing ability.

What I will put forward is this... at this time in my life it's not always about the image content itself. ;) I'm hoping that a more deliberate and WAY more involved image taking process will bare out photos that are interesting and have a sense of serendipity... but via my involvement. I won't be capturing a serendipitous moment that I'm not a part of... I'll be capturing a serendipitous moment that I'm a part of (even as the image taker).

Avedon's portraits had an interesting-ness that were all part of a constructed reality... but his interaction and inventiveness overcame what some describe as contrived.

Who knows where it'll go.

Maybe a year from now I'll be shooting a holga :D
Well, with respect to my Mantra, 'interesting' is a big word, it's not necessarily relevant to content, it could be composition, or colour, or whatever.
I rather envy you your attempt at 'involvement' though - something I've long since realised is that those of my personal photographs that ARE 'interesting' are always the ones which have resulted from an immediate response rather than a considered thought process. You know, you see something, grab a shot, then think about it and do it properly - round here it's always the grab shot that works!

all the best
 
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Shelby Lewis

Guest
(snip) something I've long since realised is that those of my personal photographs that ARE 'interesting' are always the ones which have resulted from an immediate response rather than a considered thought process.
Just shows that I have to think about everything a lot more than you do, lol!!! :D

My best as well,
Shelby
 
Welcome back Shelby. I haven't conversed much with you on this forum, but I have followed your posts and admired your ability to photograph people. It is ironic that you would choose to create this thread today as I have just returned from a funeral of a beloved uncle. He lived a full life and his passing, while rather quick, was not that unexpected due to cancer. Anyway, my point is that I completely understand the introspective evaluation of ones own life that comes out of the passing of a loved one.

I am very sorry for your loss of your mother - you were clearly very close to her. It is a credit to your being that you have taken such a tragic/emotional event and used it in a positive manner.

Mark
 

Bill Caulfeild-Browne

Well-known member
Shelby, your initial post is a very fine essay. Thank you. I think we all see/feel some of what you are experiencing, but you express it so well.

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your mother.

As for carefully considered shots vs serendipity, it's all been said by you and Jono and I think you're both right. I strive for contemplative photography because I appreciate my surroundings so much more that way - it's partly a spiritual thing. But I must admit that some of my best pix were spur-of-the-moment grab shots.

Go figure! But be well,
Bill
 

Bob

Administrator
Staff member
Welcome back, Shelby.
Those of us who have experienced the human condition in all its glory and pain understand and deeply.
-bob
 

dogstarnyc

Member
Hi Shelby,

What you wrote was so beautifully written, as an Englishman I'm horrified sometimes when I see and hear the world bastardize our beautiful language just for speed and laziness. Your gentle, thoughtful and humble words are wonderful, like a great photo, I was immediately 'there' with you as I read each paragraph, thankyou for that and you are very brave to share the recent turmoil in your life.

As many others said, you are loved here and no doubt loved by your children, be strong for them, find some positives and set a great example of how to conduct life after death.

I for one am so glad to see you actually doing something to change your life and move it forward, congratulations... making yourself shoot a landscape a day is awesome, i hope you can get back to it..

Glad you're back.

Steve
 
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